Trust

Trust : firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

I find it hard to trust people in this cruel world. I grew up only trusting myself, and now I don't know if I even trust myself. Everything I say or do hurts someone. Every time I step outside of my house, I feel distant to the world. I feel like I want to trust someone, but there's no one to trust. I have no one. If I had to run away, I'd have no where to go. I'd have no safe haven, no happy place. I'd be alone, and scared. I'd fall apart without someone there to guide me. But, who can I trust? Everyone lies, and everyone has someone else. I have to rely on myself and my experiences. Which is hard because I've been through so much, and I break down easily. People say that it's good not to trust anybody, but here I am afraid of my reliably. I know what you're going to say, "Well, you have to trust your family". Trust my family? Ha! I feel like I don't belong to this family. Like, I am not who they say I am. I believe that they picked up the wrong baby at the nursery. I don't feel like one of them. I used to think everyone around me were robots and I was the only person with emotion. I used to think everyone felt this way, but when I tried to explain this to my friend, they thought I was crazy. I can only trust myself, and I can't open up my feelings to people because they will not understand.

Who is there to trust?

I'm Scared

Death : the action or fact of dying or being killed; the end of the life of a person or organism.

What will happen to me once I die? Will I go to a paradise called "Heaven"? Will I go to a darkness called "Hell"? Will I be born again? I don't know. I don't know what will happen to me, or what effect it'll have on my peers. I'm scared. What if, when I die, I just float around in an eternal darkness…or nothing happens at all? What if I die not hearing the words "I love you", or not falling for someone? I want to feel alive, but each and everyday I'm slowly dying. I'm one step closer to death. I want to live to the best of my ability, but I'm too scared of the world and the hideous murders that happen everyday. I'm too afraid to go outside my house anymore, to see my friends. I'm afraid because people kill. Hundreds of people die everyday, and what if I become one of those people? Society is bad, I shouldn't be scared to leave my house. I shouldn't be scared to go to school. No one should be scared to feel alive. Why can't we just accept each other? Why can't there be peace? I'm fearful that the next generation of children will grow up in an unsafe environment. That they'll live in fear. All I ask is acceptance and peace. All I ask is love and harmony. But, all I will get is hate and death. What has our world become?

I'm scared.

Dreams

We don't learn in school. We don't learn how to write checks, make a bank account, draw loans. When we get into the real world, it won't matter about what we've been taught. In the real world we need to fight to live freely and happily. Freedom and happiness doesn't magically come from the sky. We get told that we're special, that this generation of children will succeed greatly. That we will not fail. But, that's a lie. Some of us will fail, some of us will drop out. Some of us might succeed, some of us will graduate high school and college. Some of us will be millionaires, some of us will be twenty-dollar-aires. We are not special. Some of us will fail, as some will succeed. We will be let off into the world with nothing holding us back. Nothing preventing us from making mistakes. Nothing stopping us from living like we want to. But to live your dream, you have to work for it. You have to keep climbing to the top, until you reach your goal.

Dear Dad

Dad, sometimes I give you an attitude. Sometimes I ignore you. Sometimes I treat you like crap. But, you deal with me. You always care for me; feed me, love me, hold me. I don't show my affection for you all the time, but I want you to know I love you. You raised me, all by yourself. I can't imagine how hard it was for you. So, thank you. Thank you for making cookies with me when I felt crafty. Thank you for covering me up when I was cold. Thank you for staying up with me, even though you were tired. I'm sorry that I get mad at you. I'm sorry that I tell you I hate you. We both know that I do love you. I love you dad.

Who Am I?

Who am I?
A simple question is asked, and I don't have an answer for that. I don't know who I am. I'm Catie, yes, but who is "Catie"? I haven't really lived long enough to create relations with people to tell me who I am. I could say I'm creative, thoughtful, nice…but, those aren't really unique traits. I could say I'm 5'2, a brunette, and wear a size 5 in shoes…but, you could find anyone with those traits. I'm going to try to tell you who I am, but in reality I have no clue who I am. So, this is what I'd tell you if I ever met you.

"Hi, I'm Catie. I'm really awkward around people, so sorry if I seem strange. I don't have many friends, I don't know why, but that's okay. I don't need friends, because I'm better off living with four cats. I don't think I'm beautiful on the outside, but I know I am on the inside. I don't have a religion, so that makes me an atheist. I sometimes feel lonely, but that's okay… Sometimes I randomly cry because the world sucks, but I can't do anything about that. Someone once told me that 'someday you'll find who you are', but you can't find out who you are. You have to create who you are; I am Catie…"

By the third sentence the person I'm talking to has already left. I'm too weird and quirky, I guess. But, (hopefully) there's someone out there for everyone. Either it's just a friend or a soulmate, I'd be happy. So, nice to meet you, I'm Catie. :P

Reality of Today's Society

"Catie, what's wrong?", a (so-call-it) friend asked.

"What's wrong with me", I thought.

What's wrong is everything. I hope I'm not the only person that realizes that everyone doesn't care. Have you ever wondered about those people that pass you on the highway? Where they're going? What's their story? Have you ever wondered about your existence? Why you're here? Where you're going to once you die? I do. Everyday I feel less human. I feel like my emotions are slowly deteriorating. I am becoming part of today's society. I'm slowly becoming a careless person. I can't stop it, because the impact is to hard to stop. It makes me feel bad about myself. I feel unimportant in this life… I am unimportant… What's wrong with today's society? What's wrong is that our faces are stuffed inside this inexistent world; the internet. We all have these fake lives, and all we care about is our fake lives. Little children are starting not to believe in genuine fun. No one goes outside anymore. No one speaks the truth about the world. No one stands up for themselves. No one finds true love. No one marries someone because they love them. No one expresses themselves. This is our society. I can't change the way you see things, and I'm going to try. But, don't become another copy. Be a leader, and don't walk in someone's footsteps if you don't have a good reason to… And, most importantly speak in your voice. Not someone else's.
"Catie, what's wrong?"
I didn't say the words I should've.
I just said,"Nothing, I'm fine".
But, I'm not fine, I'm not okay, I'm not happy. Someone once told me "if you're not happy, change what's making you unhappy". But, I can't change society. 

A Forgotten Memory

Their arms crossed like broken promises,
As the wind roared high above,
Knowing her blood is no longer warm.

I couldn't say goodbye.
She was too crippled and inhuman,
Her voice no longer heard, forgotten.

She was a forgotten memory,
Lost in her heart she could hear my voice,
She could smell the roses from her garden.

I held on to her last words,
Slowly killing me from within.
Her ashes feathered in the wind,
As I said my final goodbye.


Original Poem by Yours Truly

Take a Chance

Hello. I am Catie. I'm not sure if I belong here, or anywhere, really. But, in life you have to take risks. You have to live in the moment, take a chance. Sometimes you miss that chance, that moment. You beat yourself up about it. You always think about how you never took that chance…how you missed that moment. Stop doing that. You can't think about all of the times that you messed up. Think about all of the times you actually did something, took a chance… I used to think that I'll be a screw up, someone that screws up their whole life by just making one mistake. So far, in these 14 years of being on planet earth, I haven't screwed up. I kept moving along, I never stopped my life because of some bullshit. I cried, a lot (A LOT), but I got through it. I never got hung up on something I did. You shouldn't, either. Go on out in the world and show 'em what you got. I hope I made you happy… =)

Life is Hard

Yeah, we all know life is hard. We all know that no one really cares about us. We all know that life is a game where no one wins. Why is life so hard? Why is everyday harder to live than the next? My answer is I don't know. I don't know why I struggle to smile. I just don't know, so stop asking. I feel so alone in this big world…I feel like I'm in a room of darkness with no way out. I feel lost… No one realizes that I'm so beaten down. I'm broken. If only they would see who I really was. If only I would see who I really am. But, I can't because I am no one. I'm not important here…I'm not beautiful or smart or happy. I'm just a girl that sits in the back, hoping someone will notice me. Or, at least, talk to me. I'm just a girl. I'm just someone who realizes life is hard.